Mixed feelings

I haven't written here in awhile. I think it is a sign that I'm content in my disbelief; I don't need to write about the things I'm ok with.

My youngest son, who is 8, is getting baptized tomorrow. His father still attends church with our sons on the weekends he has them - when he feels like it, that is. My ex told me last week about the baptism.

He said I was welcome to go, and I thought about it. I want to be supportive of my children. But my son hasn't really mentioned it, not enough to ask if I will be there.

The thing is, I don't agree with it. I don't agree with letting a child make that decision. And he is a child. But on the other hand, I don't really believe it means anything, so I refuse to get very worked up about it. If my son really wanted me there, of course I would be there. But he hasn't said so, so I will refrain. I was not relishing being among my former church "family" anyway, with all the questions about the divorce and my remarriage and what church am I attending now.

The thing that hurts is that I realized at age 33, after a lifetime of believing, that it just wasn't true. I want to spare him that pain. It was incredibly painful, in ways I never thought possible. But maybe he'll always believe. Maybe he won't ever know the truth. I just can't help feeling he's in for the worst disappointment of his life. All I can do is encourage him to ask questions, I guess.

I love my children. But I know their father does too, and I know as much as it breaks my heart for them to keep believing in a story, it breaks his to think I don't encourage "the truth."

Very big sigh.