Mixed feelings

I haven't written here in awhile. I think it is a sign that I'm content in my disbelief; I don't need to write about the things I'm ok with.

My youngest son, who is 8, is getting baptized tomorrow. His father still attends church with our sons on the weekends he has them - when he feels like it, that is. My ex told me last week about the baptism.

He said I was welcome to go, and I thought about it. I want to be supportive of my children. But my son hasn't really mentioned it, not enough to ask if I will be there.

The thing is, I don't agree with it. I don't agree with letting a child make that decision. And he is a child. But on the other hand, I don't really believe it means anything, so I refuse to get very worked up about it. If my son really wanted me there, of course I would be there. But he hasn't said so, so I will refrain. I was not relishing being among my former church "family" anyway, with all the questions about the divorce and my remarriage and what church am I attending now.

The thing that hurts is that I realized at age 33, after a lifetime of believing, that it just wasn't true. I want to spare him that pain. It was incredibly painful, in ways I never thought possible. But maybe he'll always believe. Maybe he won't ever know the truth. I just can't help feeling he's in for the worst disappointment of his life. All I can do is encourage him to ask questions, I guess.

I love my children. But I know their father does too, and I know as much as it breaks my heart for them to keep believing in a story, it breaks his to think I don't encourage "the truth."

Very big sigh.

When faith goes away

I just read a story on a couple of ministers who have lost their faith, but are still preaching because they need a job. Found the link on the Debunking Christianity blog, for what it's worth.

It was a short article...short, but sad. It brought back the stress and horrible feelings that I went through when I lost my own faith. As hard as mine was, at least it didn't cost me a job. These guys - their whole livelihoods rest in their jobs. Now, I've seen preachers quit their churches and find other jobs, but it still must be pretty awful to have all those people believing what you're teaching, and not believing it yourself.

I feel for them. I know some people would not be so kind, and be very judgmental. But not me. I haven't been to church in over 2 years, and sometimes I'd like to go, just to see old friends - but I just don't believe anymore, and I can't imagine how awkward it would be.

Religion makes me sad. I don't think it's all bad, necessarily, but for those who find out that it's not true, it's positively heartbreaking.

Insincerity

He skips church to sleep.
He skips church to nurse a hangover.
He skips church to go away for a weekend.
He skips church for pretty much any reason imaginable.

But when it comes to doing a scheduled activity with his children during "church" time, all the sudden it's protected time. They can't do the activity because "they gotta go to church."

And some wonder how I question the depth of his faith.

Credit where credit is due

I've read a lot of stuff lately where someone does something good for someone else, and the common response is "That is an answer to prayer" or "isn't God great" or "that just proves God is real."

No, it doesn't. Listen, I am a good person and I do nice things for people. Just last weekend my babysitter was moving, and though I couldn't help with the move, when I stopped by I couldn't help but notice she had 4 children underfoot and in the way while they were trying to load a moving van. So I did what I COULD do, and that was round up the kids and bring them to my house to play with my own 3 kids. She later thanked me and told me what a huge help it was.

God didn't do that nice thing. I did. Lots of people give time, money, and effort out of the kindness of their hearts while "God" doesn't have to do a damn thing.

Give people some credit.

Less than flaming dog poo

So, hell. The big “You’re grounded!” from God. The burning lake of fire, the gnashing of teeth, the constant heat, pain and agony, if literal translations of the Bible are to be believed, should be enough to make people stay on the straight and narrow.

But, you see, it isn’t. People sin all the time. They turn away from God all the time. I’m sure a big part of it is that such a thing is so far beyond comprehension as to be a motivator, but the other part is, I think if people really look deep inside themselves, they know this: it’s just not fair.

One of the things I have loved about John Loftus’s book is he does compare God’s relationship to us to that between we adults and our children. If we would do thus and so for our children, and never do thus as so against our children, how could a loving God/father figure do or not do these things?

And isn’t hell a steep price to pay for the supposed offenses? When someone does the worst crimes imaginable here on earth, what happens? They are sent to prison. They might get the death penalty, depending on where they are. But never, ever are they tortured endlessly under the rule of law.

And yet, God is proposing this very thing to people who commit the horrible act of not believing in a being who has, in the view of many many people, millions if not billions, made it nigh unto impossible to believe in him. He certainly isn’t going around giving irrefutable, concrete proof, as he well could.

See, it’s not your sin that will send you to hell necessarily, according to the good book. That will be absolved “bah tha blood of JEEZUS!” if you’re a believer. The problem is if you don’t believe in Jesus. So what if you were raised in a wholly different religion, maybe in a lot of ways similar to Christianity, with rules like not putting flaming dog poo on your neighbor’s porch or drinking at your job at the local day care center, and you follow those rules? What if your greatest offense your while life was was going 65 mph in a 55 mph zone, or running over a stray cat? Do you really deserve hell for that?

When I was believer, I toed the party line, which was, “He’s God and he can do whatever he wants.” So hell just seemed like another thing on the list of “God’s God and I’m not, so who am I to judge.” But I have thought more about that, and you know what? If God exists, and created us, he also created our brains with the logic we have and use all the time. And if he’s all knowing, he’d know we’d eventually figure out these holes in “his story.” And that’s just yet another reason I can’t believe anymore.

Stickin' Around

I just happened to take a gander at the Debunking Christianity blog today, and saw John's post about Christian/Atheist (we deserve a capital letter too!) debates. In the post he said religion would always be around. Someone commented that he was saying Christianity/religion can't be debunked. Talk about misunderstanding!

Just because a school of thought, or set of beliefs, manages to stick around with some folks does not mean that it's ultimately true. Just because someone acknowledges that religion isn't going away doesn't mean he can't give some pretty damn good evidence why religion in general, and Christianity in particular, is most likely not true.

It's hard for me as a Christian turned Agnostic that others can't see what to me are now glaring facts...but then, there was a time I couldn't see them either. As I've mentioned before, there is sorrow on both sides of this.

Why I Became an Atheist

Four months after I began it, I FINALLY finished this book! Thank you, John Loftus, for such an excellent book. Well written, well argued, and respectful to people of all beliefs. It was an incredible comfort to read a book like this written by someone who's been on both sides of religion.