"There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." -Atheist Bus Campaign
So, here it is, Sunday again. The "just another day" day. I'm not feeling too well, but my man said something about showing my blog to his friend, so I sort of feel the need to say something impressive, or at least not as drivelous as the speeches at the National Society of Pocket Protectors Annual Conference.
As I have mentioned before, I'm not a scholar, so you probably won't find a lot of deep ideas here, just my thoughts and feelings and experiences. Now, I tend to run those very things through my intellectual processor more and more these days, but they still are just that: personal.
This weekend I'm cleaning up my home, getting it ready for a new owner to take possession on Wednesday. Although I have been divorced for awhile, I only moved out last September, and it is still a little emotional. Mostly the emotions are about losing the house I lived in with my kids, but it does give me a chance to think about the failed marriage too (especially with the ex working in the same space as me for hours at a time).
My nearly 13 year marriage had been troubled for a very long time - pretty much since the 2nd year. And one of the biggest reasons it lasted as long as it did was religion. It was morally wrong to get a divorce. Now, I know some might say, "But we know lots of Christians who are divorced!" You have a point. But a, I'm willing to bet it was not a lightly made choice for the devout ones, and b, that was never me.
About 6 months before I made the decision to contact a lawyer and truly get my divorce going, there was a very dark time in my marriage in which I wanted to separate. I was mostly getting guidance from church folk, whose message was "stay at all costs." But there was another voice who couldn't understand (and could hardly believe) why I would do something just because a book told me to, and not cut my losses before things got even worse.
"But you don't understand! This is not just a book; it's my entire philosophy of life!" Meanwhile my mental health was crumbling and I still thought my duty was not to be happy or mentally healthy, but obedient.
I had already begun having doubts about faith in God at that point, and this made me search even more fervently. And what I came away with allowed me to leave a marriage that was very bad.
One thing I obviously worried over was the effect on my children, which I'm sure I haven't even begun to see. But they are incredibly happy and well adjusted, despite their mother's choice to turn her back on a book and the religion with which they have been raised (their dad's still a believer, by the way). I'm very pleased and a little surprised that that the love we share as mother and sons has not changed one bit because of my loss of faith and marriage together.
I'm not saying atheism gives a license for families to break up; I'm saying it gave me freedom to do something which was long overdue. And the consequences have not always been easy, but the freedom to make my own choices for my own reasons has gone a long way toward me being mentally healthy. In my opinion, that makes me a better mother in many ways.
And despite what you'll learn from the Bible, happiness matters. It's a very good thing to finally be able to believe that.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
What Does an Atheist Look Like?
So, I was surprised (and very pleased) that THE John Loftus visited my little ol' blog yesterday, and one of the comments he made, in jest of course, was that I became an atheist because I wanted to kill someone and needed to be morally free to do so.
Though to people like him and me, that's a funny joke, to a lot of religious people, it isn't so funny at all. I don't think it's uncommon for Christians seeing someone leave the faith to assume it was because that person just wanted to sin til the cows came home, or til Dick Clark REALLY retired. In fact, I think I recall that judgment being made of Mr. Loftus, which is crazy if they'd read his book or his blog. The man has done a LOT of reading, researching and thinking. And if you think a former pastor would up and leave his faith (and profession) for something so simple as being able to sin freely, obviously you've never heard of televangelists.
As a former devout Christian, I know very well what is thought of nonbelievers. I don't think I ever thought they were evil, per se, but I did tend to pity them and felt bad they were going to hell. However, I did think that being an atheist gave them moral license to do whatever the hell they wanted, whether it something as bad as murder or as benign as saying a curse word.
And then I met one. I didn't just meet him - I became dear friends with him and ultimately became his partner. Side note: he didn't convert me to atheism - I was already seeking when I met him.
Moving on...this man had never been close to anyone as religious as me, and I'd never known anyone as atheist as him (is that a thing? degrees of atheism? Well I say it, thus it be). And you know what? He never judged me. He never said, "You're stupid for thinking that." He patiently answered questions I had, allowed me to engage him in long conversations about religion and the lack thereof, and even admitted that he did envy parts of those who had a faith.
But the thing that struck me most were the qualities in him I didn't think were possible in an atheist. For one, he was happy. And he hadn't always been happy; he actually went through some very dark times - and came through it a better man, WITHOUT religion. I didn't know that sort of change was possible without God. For another, he was hopeful. He doesn't need an idea of afterlife to be hopeful in this one. And lastly, he's a decent, moral person. He wants to be fair and do right by people, and he's what I think most would consider a good, moral man.
What I have found about myself since losing my faith is that I am basically still the same person I was. I still love my kids just as much, I still do nice things for other people, I still try to be as fair and good as I possibly can. I'm a fairly selfless person, as people go (I think that's the mom in me!)But the difference now is I don't do it because I will be punished OR rewarded if I do - I do it because I want to. Because it fulfills me and makes me and others happy. And, I don't beat myself up because I say "fuck" or have impure thoughts or double-dip my chips. The balance of freedom and still feeling good about myself is the best its ever been.
So, that's what an atheist CAN look like. Are you surprised?
Though to people like him and me, that's a funny joke, to a lot of religious people, it isn't so funny at all. I don't think it's uncommon for Christians seeing someone leave the faith to assume it was because that person just wanted to sin til the cows came home, or til Dick Clark REALLY retired. In fact, I think I recall that judgment being made of Mr. Loftus, which is crazy if they'd read his book or his blog. The man has done a LOT of reading, researching and thinking. And if you think a former pastor would up and leave his faith (and profession) for something so simple as being able to sin freely, obviously you've never heard of televangelists.
As a former devout Christian, I know very well what is thought of nonbelievers. I don't think I ever thought they were evil, per se, but I did tend to pity them and felt bad they were going to hell. However, I did think that being an atheist gave them moral license to do whatever the hell they wanted, whether it something as bad as murder or as benign as saying a curse word.
And then I met one. I didn't just meet him - I became dear friends with him and ultimately became his partner. Side note: he didn't convert me to atheism - I was already seeking when I met him.
Moving on...this man had never been close to anyone as religious as me, and I'd never known anyone as atheist as him (is that a thing? degrees of atheism? Well I say it, thus it be). And you know what? He never judged me. He never said, "You're stupid for thinking that." He patiently answered questions I had, allowed me to engage him in long conversations about religion and the lack thereof, and even admitted that he did envy parts of those who had a faith.
But the thing that struck me most were the qualities in him I didn't think were possible in an atheist. For one, he was happy. And he hadn't always been happy; he actually went through some very dark times - and came through it a better man, WITHOUT religion. I didn't know that sort of change was possible without God. For another, he was hopeful. He doesn't need an idea of afterlife to be hopeful in this one. And lastly, he's a decent, moral person. He wants to be fair and do right by people, and he's what I think most would consider a good, moral man.
What I have found about myself since losing my faith is that I am basically still the same person I was. I still love my kids just as much, I still do nice things for other people, I still try to be as fair and good as I possibly can. I'm a fairly selfless person, as people go (I think that's the mom in me!)But the difference now is I don't do it because I will be punished OR rewarded if I do - I do it because I want to. Because it fulfills me and makes me and others happy. And, I don't beat myself up because I say "fuck" or have impure thoughts or double-dip my chips. The balance of freedom and still feeling good about myself is the best its ever been.
So, that's what an atheist CAN look like. Are you surprised?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Unbelief in America
So, it's been awhile since I've written here...sorry, but life has been kicking my ass lately. Seems like I say that a lot, but it's true and I've had such little time for anything. In fact the only reason I'm able to do this now is my beloved is on a bus and is missing our usual chat time.
Ah, the topic at hand. I've been trying to read a little bit of my two newest books, Why I Became An Atheist and Parenting Beyond Belief, whenever I can. I take one of them to work with me every day with the intention of going off somewhere alone to read, but it doesn't happen often. See, I tend to hide the book when I carry it, as if it's gonna piss someone off.
This is America, see, a "Christian" nation. If you don't think so, watch a few vids of the recent inauguration and see how many times God and even scripture are mentioned. Don't get me wrong - I like the new Prez and I think he's tolerant and probably just saying what he's got to say - but it just goes to show you how important religion seems to be here. And it's far more prevalent in small towns, like the one I grew up, than in cities. So I REALLY feel for nonbelievers in those places.
I remember reading on some message board for atheists of a businessman somewhere in the South (extreme Biblewood, if you will) whose atheist beliefs were a total secret because he knew if were let out, he'd lose most of his customers and thus his business.
Now, I live in Albuquerque, a fairly progressive town. We've got lots of people from all the more traditionally liberal (and thus usually fairly nonreligious) side of things, but then obviously Catholicism is big as well. At any rate, it seems most anywhere in America, the default position is a belief in God.
So, when I cart my Why I Became an Atheist book around, I tend to hide the cover. I went to Burger King for lunch yesterday, and read a bit, and I was self-conscious about it (Ok, also about the fact that I was in a skirt and heels and some guy kept staring at me, but that's neither here nor there). I think that needs to be a goal for me - to not be so self-conscious about what I think and believe and just be more sure of myself.
The funny thing is, when I was a Christian I thought judgments were harsh. I thought the world was just against Christians. But on the other side now, I think, wow, I'm feel far more "lonely," if you will, in this position of unbelief.
So maybe a first step will be just carrying my book around. And if someone says anything, I'll tell them my thoughts. And try not to hit them in the head with the book. Or maybe not...it's a soft cover. That's just a misdemeanor, right?
Ah, the topic at hand. I've been trying to read a little bit of my two newest books, Why I Became An Atheist and Parenting Beyond Belief, whenever I can. I take one of them to work with me every day with the intention of going off somewhere alone to read, but it doesn't happen often. See, I tend to hide the book when I carry it, as if it's gonna piss someone off.
This is America, see, a "Christian" nation. If you don't think so, watch a few vids of the recent inauguration and see how many times God and even scripture are mentioned. Don't get me wrong - I like the new Prez and I think he's tolerant and probably just saying what he's got to say - but it just goes to show you how important religion seems to be here. And it's far more prevalent in small towns, like the one I grew up, than in cities. So I REALLY feel for nonbelievers in those places.
I remember reading on some message board for atheists of a businessman somewhere in the South (extreme Biblewood, if you will) whose atheist beliefs were a total secret because he knew if were let out, he'd lose most of his customers and thus his business.
Now, I live in Albuquerque, a fairly progressive town. We've got lots of people from all the more traditionally liberal (and thus usually fairly nonreligious) side of things, but then obviously Catholicism is big as well. At any rate, it seems most anywhere in America, the default position is a belief in God.
So, when I cart my Why I Became an Atheist book around, I tend to hide the cover. I went to Burger King for lunch yesterday, and read a bit, and I was self-conscious about it (Ok, also about the fact that I was in a skirt and heels and some guy kept staring at me, but that's neither here nor there). I think that needs to be a goal for me - to not be so self-conscious about what I think and believe and just be more sure of myself.
The funny thing is, when I was a Christian I thought judgments were harsh. I thought the world was just against Christians. But on the other side now, I think, wow, I'm feel far more "lonely," if you will, in this position of unbelief.
So maybe a first step will be just carrying my book around. And if someone says anything, I'll tell them my thoughts. And try not to hit them in the head with the book. Or maybe not...it's a soft cover. That's just a misdemeanor, right?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Just another day...
That's what Sunday is now for me. And I like it that way.
I suppose the cat will be out of the bag now; both these blogs will show up on my blogger profile because I just don't have time to keep up different user names for different blogs here. Blah blah blah. I had a blog at JS by this same name, but precious few people knew it. The name is actually "zetetic" backwards, which basically means a seeker.
The reason I kept my former citetez blog mostly a secret was that a good deal of my JS friends (as is per the usual in the US) are Christians, if not fundamentalists, then at least nominally so. And, in the beginning, I was too. I was a Christian for the first 33 years of my life, before I found I just wasn't buying it anymore. And it wasn't just Christianity I was doubting - it was the very existence of God. (I capitalize it out of respect for my theist readers - not because I think it deserves it).
There are a host of reasons for it, but I will say that the first thing that started me on a quest for more answers was the arbitrariness of prayer (George Carlin has a HILARIOUS take on this; the act is on Youtube somewhere). But I'll admit the problem of evil was something that kept me up at night as well. I won't go into it much here; I have just started a book by John Loftus, who also has a blog here called Debunking Christianity, and once I get to his treatment of the problem of evil I'll likely do a post on it here.
At the moment, I think I'd consider myself agnostic. I'm not quite ready for that label of atheist, and maybe it's all just semantics, I don't know. I do know that losing my faith was quite possibly the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and that includes a life in which I lost my mother at a young age, finding out my father was at one time a very dangerous man, a divorce when I had 3 kids and a salary of $800 a month, and a whole host of other things which I may or may not discuss here. I did not come by it lightly, and it was not an emotional decision. It came through a couple of years of intense soul-searching, reading, discussing, bargaining and finally coming to the conclusion that what I believed for so long probably was not true.
In my journey, Julia Sweeney was one person I began to read, because she lost her faith as well. Yes, the same Julia Sweeney who played "Pat" on Saturday Night Live. She mentioned once having serious doubts about the existence of God and thinking "what would happen if I took off my god glasses for a minute - would everything be different?" (paraphrase). And I sort of did the same thing. And things were different, but the world did not end. In fact, mentally I am healthier than I have been in years and years.
I could write forever this morning - it's a topic I'm both passionate and reticent about, usually, because I don't like to rock the apple cart. But, I should probably keep this a bit shorter in the hopes I don't put you all to sleep.
If you are Christian, you may be offended by the things you read here. That's not my intention at all. You might be disturbed, though, and I hope that you are. I was very very disturbed by some things I was reading a couple of years ago, and it led me to where I am now. And I like this place.
If you are not a Christian, you may find my thoughts and reasons and all of that elementary. That's ok; I'm not a scholar and I never claim to be. In fact, the philosophy portion of Mr. Loftus's book is kind of kicking my ass right now in the area of comprehension. But maybe the humanity of what you read will at least entertain you for awhile.
Welcome.
I suppose the cat will be out of the bag now; both these blogs will show up on my blogger profile because I just don't have time to keep up different user names for different blogs here. Blah blah blah. I had a blog at JS by this same name, but precious few people knew it. The name is actually "zetetic" backwards, which basically means a seeker.
The reason I kept my former citetez blog mostly a secret was that a good deal of my JS friends (as is per the usual in the US) are Christians, if not fundamentalists, then at least nominally so. And, in the beginning, I was too. I was a Christian for the first 33 years of my life, before I found I just wasn't buying it anymore. And it wasn't just Christianity I was doubting - it was the very existence of God. (I capitalize it out of respect for my theist readers - not because I think it deserves it).
There are a host of reasons for it, but I will say that the first thing that started me on a quest for more answers was the arbitrariness of prayer (George Carlin has a HILARIOUS take on this; the act is on Youtube somewhere). But I'll admit the problem of evil was something that kept me up at night as well. I won't go into it much here; I have just started a book by John Loftus, who also has a blog here called Debunking Christianity, and once I get to his treatment of the problem of evil I'll likely do a post on it here.
At the moment, I think I'd consider myself agnostic. I'm not quite ready for that label of atheist, and maybe it's all just semantics, I don't know. I do know that losing my faith was quite possibly the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and that includes a life in which I lost my mother at a young age, finding out my father was at one time a very dangerous man, a divorce when I had 3 kids and a salary of $800 a month, and a whole host of other things which I may or may not discuss here. I did not come by it lightly, and it was not an emotional decision. It came through a couple of years of intense soul-searching, reading, discussing, bargaining and finally coming to the conclusion that what I believed for so long probably was not true.
In my journey, Julia Sweeney was one person I began to read, because she lost her faith as well. Yes, the same Julia Sweeney who played "Pat" on Saturday Night Live. She mentioned once having serious doubts about the existence of God and thinking "what would happen if I took off my god glasses for a minute - would everything be different?" (paraphrase). And I sort of did the same thing. And things were different, but the world did not end. In fact, mentally I am healthier than I have been in years and years.
I could write forever this morning - it's a topic I'm both passionate and reticent about, usually, because I don't like to rock the apple cart. But, I should probably keep this a bit shorter in the hopes I don't put you all to sleep.
If you are Christian, you may be offended by the things you read here. That's not my intention at all. You might be disturbed, though, and I hope that you are. I was very very disturbed by some things I was reading a couple of years ago, and it led me to where I am now. And I like this place.
If you are not a Christian, you may find my thoughts and reasons and all of that elementary. That's ok; I'm not a scholar and I never claim to be. In fact, the philosophy portion of Mr. Loftus's book is kind of kicking my ass right now in the area of comprehension. But maybe the humanity of what you read will at least entertain you for awhile.
Welcome.
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